Mind/body connection

I believe my IBS is caused by the memory of how I felt when I had glandular fever. Same with my fear that when I have a flare up, it will last forever. I was just so I’ll and it wasn’t getting better which then treated two years later, again in 2012, then again in 2014. All because my body and mind remembered that first time and how out of control I felt (remember that lack of control is what emet and my OCD is all about). At least with me discovering garlic causes a bad reaction and reducing dairy gave me some control over the IBS but to this day, I still feel like my GERD had control of me.

Anyway, I also believe that the mind/body connection has something to do with why I’m not falling pregnant. I’ve always been afraid of morning sickness and kids being sick but we wanted a baby so we decided to give it a go. I told myself that plenty of people with emet get pregnant so there was no reason why I couldn’t do it. We started in the Spring of 2014 but by Autumn I was back on my birth control pills. I panicked every time I thought I was pregnant! I stopped eating in front of people thinking I had morning sickness and didn’t want them ti see me be sick. I limited what I ate which made me feel worse and obviously was going to stop me falling pregnant as I wasn’t getting the nutrients I needed. All of this made me feel like I had some control but of course I didn’t.

I distinctly remember sitting in the passenger seat of my Mum’s car in my way to my Nan’s and saying I felt sick. My two sisters joked in the back of the car saying I must be pregnant (they knew we were trying). They were laughing but I was panicking. I couldn’t do 9 months of feeling that way! It wasn’t long after that day that I was back in the pill having a full mental breakdown (I’d stopped my SSRI to try to get pregnant).

For the next 16 months I worked on my emet with The Thrive Programme. I cured my depression and I believed I had cured my emet. I guess I sort of did but I never challenged the OCD side of it and I’ve never been able to reduce my high desire for control. I now describe myself as a recovering emetophobe and someone living with OCD. I’m able to catch myself thinking incorrectly or performing safety seeking behaviours but I’m not always able to stop them.

We started trying again in April 2016 and I haven’t even had an evap line on a pregnancy test 😦 I’ve tried everything I can over the years to try and fall pregnant – acupuncture, diet, ovulation bracelets, charting, positions, supplements, creams… all sorts. Again I felt this was giving me control! But I’m sitting here reading, ‘Am I the Reason I’m not getting pregnant?’ By Rosanne Austin is making me wonder if it’s my mind that isn’t right (nothing is physically wrong with me or my hubby)? I honestly do still fear morning sickness and children puking. I tell myself I’d cope but it’s still there. I had a panic attack yesterday because I’d eaten too much but I immediately thought it was the Norethisterone I’m taking so we can’t start IVF next week. It probably wasn’t but I had the thought of how will I cope with the other drugs, being pregnant and sick children. I told myself I can do it but I do get flashbacks to 2014. What if my fear of feeling sick and not having control is stopping me falling pregnant? My Mum says other meets fall pregnant so it can’t be. But doctors say you can’t stop yourself being sick (which I believe you can), so it stands to reason that I’m mentally blocking myself falling pregnant. Many a time over the last six years I’ve felt fearful that my PMT was pregnancy symptoms and that I’d feel like that for nine months. I willed them stick to show two lines, I longed for a baby but I’m ashamed to say, I did feel some relief when my period started. Oh that makes me sound awful!

I’m now at a stage where I don’t really believe anything will help me fall pregnant. I don’t think I even believe the IVF will as it didn’t for some family members and didn’t the first time. This mindset, along with the above, will not get me pregnant! I know it’s my mind that’s wrong but how to fix it? I’m hoping Rosanne Austin’s book will show me the way.

Wow what a couple of years!

I haven’t been writing these for a while but these years have been tough and I’m sure I don’t need to tell you the reason why!

Suddenly, the whole world is acting the way I have since I was 14. Suddenly, the things I have been fighting against doing, are what the health professionals are saying we need to do! Suddenly everyone else sees illness (or at least one) the way I do!

You’d think I would be struggling with the fear of getting Covid-19. But in truth, I only really became afraid when I found out it could make you vomit. Yep that’s right, I was more afraid of the thought of vomiting than I was of the thought of dying. Awful isn’t it! But I’ve struggled mostly with the way society is now acting like my OCD (now called Otis to make it sound trivial). I’ve found it hard to differentiate between what I was told was irrational to what is now rational because of this virus. I’ve struggled with lockdowns and restrictions as I already had those in my life. I already lived that way. I already assessed risk for myself. Now I am not saying we shouldn’t have had the lockdowns etc, but being afraid of viruses and going outside was “normal” for me!

Instead of find myself trying to gain control by obsessing over the news and hoping there will be an answer. Hoping they won’t lock us down for another Christmas even though the virus might make it so we need to.

Mostly I feel I have no control over my life. It’s the virus and the government, plus those refusing to get vaccinated. I already felt like that and now it feels 100 times worse. Anyone else feel the same?