A test to see if I am thriving

Yesterday was a real test to see if I am thriving or not. During the day I didn’t think I was thriving but looking back on it I think I did very well.

My DH was going out with my BIL to the cinema. It was the day after my DH’s birthday and he was really looking forward to it. That morning my BIL called and told my DH that my SIL had been sick all night and had the stomach flu (which doesn’t exist as the flu is influenza and is a respiratory illness – she had a stomach bug!) and so my SIL wasn’t coming out for the meal in the evening. My DH said he therefore didn’t really want to go so that we both didn’t catch it but my BIL wanted to get out of the house so they went. I didn’t really know how to deal with this information. As an emetophobe I would have gone absolutely crazy and demanded that my DH didn’t go out and risk bringing the dreaded stomach bug into my home. But Thrive would tell me that I could be sitting next to someone on the bus who’s wife or kids had a stomach bug and not even know it. My desire for control was just going crazy. As I said I knew that I could be next to someone on the bus and not know it but in this case I knew that there was a chance my BIL could be ill or carrying the illness and so I wanted to control my risk to it. But I knew I shouldn’t give into the little desire for control birdie that sits on my shoulder.

I put my DH in a really awkward place. Because I was struggling to control my desire for control and struggling not to go back to the habitual emetophobic habits, I was just withdrawn and quiet all day. I felt the easiest thing to do was sleep because then I didn’t have to work out what to do. I really wanted my DH to make the decision himself not to go as he didn’t want to get sick either but he wanted to see the film. I told myself that I will have to tolerate feeling uncomfortable as I didn’t have control of the situation and that we would handle it if we got sick.

Then in the evening my BIL came out for the meal and felt quite sick himself but he takes some strong medication. I think I handled it quite well actually. I had a mini freakout when my DH said he was coming because again this was something that I couldn’t control. My DH kept asking me what I wanted him to do to resolve the situation but there wasn’t anything except demanding that his brother didn’t come and that would be rude and unfair. The only other option was for me to not go but I wasn’t missing out on his birthday meal. I knew it was just that birdie again telling me that I had to do something so I put a sock in its mouth and went anyway. My BIL even came to our flat briefly after and I didn’t freak out at all. Ok so I had a few anxiety moments but only for a few seconds and I told myself that I was creating them so I could stop.

I really need to be working on my black and white thinking as well. In my eyes my BIL was carrying the illness and/or would definitely get ill himself. But that isn’t the case. I need to learn to see the grey areas but I am really struggling with that part of Thrive. I just need to continue to work on it. I was about to write that I didn’t obsess about the situation as I didn’t worry that I was going to be sick but actually I did obsess. I obsessed about how to get control of the situation  when I should have told myself that obsessing does not resolve the issue because it was something that couldn’t be resolved as I said above.

It is in the back of my head now though that we have 72 hours to see if either of us gets sick. I shouldn’t really be having those sorts of thoughts I don’t think but then I am not sitting here worrying about it or avoiding food etc. That is what I would have done before. I would have started eating safe food and washing more to make sure I didn’t get ill.  Maybe it is normal to think in your head about those 72 hours? Or am I just kidding myself? Us emetophobes loves a statistic!

So I may not be thriving 100% yet but I definitely have the framework of the tools in place to handle these situations and I am sure that if I devote my time to doing the exercises etc. more, I will be thriving 100%.

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My experience of the 96 hour Bravo PH test

After ten years of not really knowing what was wrong with me, I finally got a diagnosis that I have a hiatus hernia and that is most likely what causes my acid reflux. I was referred to a surgeon who said that I clearly have reflux so I don’t need to do the PH testing, I just needed a barium swallow to make sure I would be able to cope with the surgery. Annoyingly, when I had the barium swallow, I had no reflux whatsoever (typical!) so he decided that I did actually need the PH study.
I am on day three of my four day test right now and it hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be.
Seven days before my test was to begin I had to come off my esomeprazole but was allowed to take ranitidine up until two days before. So I took my last nexium pill on the Wednesday morning before knowing that I couldn’t take it again until Sunday 7th February when the test would be over. I took the ranitidine and at first I thought that I was obviously ok but I didn’t seem to have very bad heartburn at all (or at least no worse than I did when I was on the pills) so I figured maybe I was wrong all this time. But on the infamous day five of being cold turkey off PPIs it all caught up with me. I felt sick as dog and my stomach was basically on fire. But I drank Almond milk and kept telling myself it was just for a week and then I would have some answers that may help me for the rest of my life.
My last Ranitidine tablet was on the Sunday night. I was anxious about not taking it but I just drank as much Gaviscon and took as many rennie as I needed. But the worst day was the Tuesday. You have to stop all OTC antacids and Gaviscon 24 hours before the test. I was going in on the Wednesday at 1pm so I figured I had until 1pm on the Tuesday to take Gaviscon etc. I was suffering quite bad that morning with acid as I wasn’t on medication so I gulped the gaviscon down. At lunch time I took the bottle of Gaviscon down to the lunch room with me, knowing that I wouldn’t be back upstairs until after 1pm and drank Gaviscon as my pudding! (Fortunately I have very understanding colleagues!). I struggled through the rest of the day having almond milk to sooth the burn and just kept telling myself it would be over soon.
On the Wednesday morning I was nervous but my stomach wasn’t burning that badly. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink for six hours before the procedure so 7am was the last time I could eat. I decided not to have anything to eat as I find sometimes you are more hungry when you have a little something than if you don’t have anything at all. I did have some water and almond milk at 7am though. I found I wasn’t that hungry through the morning and I didn’t really suffer with reflux which was all good!
When I got to the hospital and was taken to a cubicle there were three of us who seemed really nervous. One lady said she had a bad gag reflex, I told them how I have had two failed endoscopies in the past and the third lady was just crying her eyes out (I have no idea if she went ahead with it or not). I was told that I would have three endoscopies (eek!) to fit the capsule. The first would be to make sure my oesophagus was ok to have it implanted, the second was to implant it and the third was to make sure it was in place. Fortunately I was asleep the whole time so I don’t remember any of it!! 🙂 But I was anxious when I was taken into the room to have it done. First of all they couldn’t find a vein to put the needle in for the thing they put the sedation fluid in (I don’t know what that is called). They tried both my elbows and both my hands! In my right hand he moved the needle round under the skin and  I have a huge bruise on my hand where it was done. Eventually it went in my left hand and I was told to lay down on the bed. They got my legs in the right position and then put a mouth guard in and tied it round the back of my head. This is when the panic kicked in. I suddenly couldn’t breathe and the nurse was really kind and helpful. Before I knew it there was something that washed over me and I fell asleep. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in the recovery room and was really groggy. They gave me some water and when I was clearly more awake they let me go through to another room to sit in a reclining chair and have a sandwich. It felt nice to be eating but it was hard to eat as I could feel the capsule tugging on my oesophagus. I also had a sore throat from where the camera had been put down as they didn’t use the throat numbing spray. My husband came in to get me and we got the train home. I wasn’t as sleepy as I thought I would be (after past experiences of having sedation for endoscopies) so we had a quiet night in then went to bed at the normal time. I still found eating a little difficult due to the tugging but I hardly experienced any symptoms.
The little device you are given has five buttons on it. Three of them are for symptoms, one you have to press if you are eating and drinking and the other you have to press if you are laying down. The symptom buttons are marked as being heartburn, chest pain and regurgitation but they gave me the option of changing the meaning behind them. Mine were nausea, heartburn and regurgitation (as sadly I do that a lot!). Every time you experience a symptom you have to press the corresponding button. What they didn’t explain as that the device also shows the PH level of your oesophagus. It was quite interesting to see it going up and down when I was refluxing and when I was having food that neutralised it. But, as I always do, I became a little obsessed with it. I noticed that my reading was quite a high PH which means that the area was alkaline. I was told but fellow sufferers online that it probably meant it had slipped and was in my intestines as the oesophagus never had a PH above 7. Well my highest was 9.6. I began to worry that it had been a failure and I would need to do it again. This morning was day two (seeing as the day starts at lunch time for this test) and I had to go back to the hospital to have the data downloaded and the battery of the device recharged. I was told to take my medication with me and that I may be told I could take it from today (I was hoping so much that they would say I could). When I was in the waiting room they took the device off me and charged it. They later told me that I refluxed whilst I was in there so they must have been able to see what was going on. I asked them about the high PH levels and he said it was in place when I first got there and that the levels wouldn’t be going low at all if it was in my intestines. They told me I could take my Nexium (I was so excited) and then checked the device was synced up to me again and I was allowed to go, but had to come back on Monday to give the device back. Whilst I was in the waiting room I was able to speak to the lady who went after me and some other people who were on their second day of the test. One of them had the surgery done three years ago but it had come loose and was having to have it done again. She said the three years after the surgery were the best years of her life but she was unable to be sick and unable to burp. My surgeon promises me that if I do have the surgery he won’t do it tight enough to stop me being able to burp (especially as I get a lot of trapped wind with my IBS). It was so good to speak to people going through the same thing. Especially when the lady who had the surgery previously told me she had got depressed and suicidal as it was so bad for her and she couldn’t concentrate on anything but the symptoms as they were so bad. I told her that I was glad she said that and my husband had heard it as I often struggle to focus on anything else and it has caused some serious bouts of depression!
I am about to go to bed on day three and it is interesting what my medication has done already. I am refluxing but it clearly isn’t acid as it isn’t burning as much. Mind you, my PH level is still around 8 so maybe it has slipped?! I guess I will see when I get the results. I am told that if you have a fast system it can fall off quickly. Sometimes my system is really fast and other times it is really slow! I have eaten a fair amount of chocolate tonight which has caused a lump in my throat and reflux but they aren’t registering as acid. The real test would be to eat the same things I did on day one/two that caused me issues on day three/four and see if the medication stops the acid. The main thing was a Cadbury’s Cream Egg! That had me in so much pain from the burning and I woke up in the middle of the night feeling sick. I am going to eat one tomorrow and see what happens!
I will end this here but not post it until the test has been finished and I can write about the second two days below.
I handed back the bravo recording device yesterday and I can say this experience was nowhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be.
On Saturday and Sunday my reflux episodes continued but they had a PH somewhere between 7.5 and 9.6 which means they were alkaline. The two days before it was going down as low at 1.5 so that was most definitely acid. I ended up having a stinking cold (which I am still recovering from) and I do wonder if that may have made the results slightly different as I spent a lot of time in bed and not eating as much as I normally would but I wrote that on the sheet to show I had been ill (you have to score if you have been able to have your normal days or not). I find my reflux is worse when I am up and about rather than laying down as I am eating. I am fine when I haven’t been eating! I spent the whole time worrying about why the PH was so high as I thought the device may have slipped but it hadn’t. It tugged when I swallowed (it was a bit painful) and now it has stopped so I know it has now fallen off). I also worried because the device said LI on it and I couldn’t find anything online to say what that meant but I guess I will wait and see.
 
The machine is meant to turn off automatically after 96 hours but mine didn’t! It was still going into day 5 and so I had to continue wearing it as it screamed when it wasn’t near me! (ok beeped but I like to call it screaming!). That meant I had to wear it to the office yesterday which was awkward as when I forgot to put it on when I went to the loo, it beeped and everyone wondered what on earth it was!
I had to wait a long time at the hospital as the computer was having trouble downloading someone else’s data. In the end it still wasn’t working so they took our machines and said they would copy us in on the report. They did tell me that because I had acid the first two days and was told to take my medication, it means that I have a definitive diagnosis of GORD (GERD) which is what I was told I had ten years ago. Although I haven’t heard this from the surgeon so I don’t want to accept that till I have it in writing. I will then find out if I am eligible for the surgery or not. I still reflux when I am on my medication and it still makes me uncomfortable so surely that means I am? I guess I need to stop worrying about it until I have spoken to the surgeon but it is hard not to. But that is another matter.
 
All in all I think it was worth having the Bravo test. It seems it has proved I have the condition it was suggested ten years ago that I have and there are probably options to fix it permanently. The debate now is whether to have children first or not?!