I know what you are thinking, how can you hate food and be fat? Surely I am fat because I love food and I can’t stop eating it? But that isn’t the case. I don’t get excited by the thought of a nice meal out. I don’t sit down and enjoy a home cooked meal. I eat because it keeps me alive. But I do enjoy junk food. I do enjoy sweets, chocolate, cakes and crisps! That is all I want to eat and so I am fat!
I have a very bad relationship with food. I am uninspired and it bores me. Each week when we do the food shop I’m not filled with excitement about what we can make for the week, I’m filled with dread of having to come up with something. So we eat the same things as that is all we know. I don’t get inspired by cookbooks either. It all just looks like food I won’t enjoy. I can’t get excited about a sauce or a pasta dish. I only get excited by sweets and chocolate. I only enjoy junk food. But that isn’t right. So because I don’t appreciate a real meal, I feel I have to have some sugar or junk each day (even crisps). I say that I can’t eat real food and true I can’t eat a lot of fruit but everything I eat is so bland, I turn to the junk to get some enjoyment out of food.
I need to learn to appreciate food and enjoy real food. I need to fall in love with food. I need to learn to cook and be inspired by real food not junk.
Even food I like I don’t get enjoyment out of anymore. My husband tells me these foods that he is excited about and I’m just meh! That is why I am fat! I only enjoy chocolate and sweets and so eat them a lot. For me it’s either salad and fruit or chocolate and crisps. But what about everything in between?
Here I am half way through the week of a new diet and yet again I have fallen at the first hurdle. I was stressed yesterday so struggled to stay on track and then today I am bloated and have bad water retention. This happens each time and I get sad and then eat even more. I am so fed up of being 3 stone overweight but I just can’t seem to keep the momentum going of losing weight! Hubby suggested that I start with apologising to myself about the weight so I thought I would try writing a letter to myself like I did before so here goes:
My first instinct is just to tell you to stop eating through your emotions and problems but I know it isn’t that simple so I won’t. I know it annoys you so much when other people say that and then they tell you to stop making excuses. But I understand your bad relationship with food. I know that it’s not really food to you. It is a reward for a hard week at work, a way to relax in an evening, a way to be sociable with your friends, family and husband, a way to suppress those horrible emotions, and most importantly a way to make your stomach feel better. I know you can’t tolerate the feeling of being hungry at all as it makes you feel so rough and eating helps. Eating little and often is the key but I know you struggle to come up with what food to eat and so just eat junk or don’t eat at all and feel ill. But it’s ok to feel like that, don’t beat yourself up about it.
I know you are finding it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Whenever you lose a big amount you then fall down and it all comes back on. Trying to imagine being skinny, with a baby and a house is just the hardest thing ever. If you were going to fall pregnant then it would have happened already surely? But you need to stop thinking like that. You need to realise that losing weight is what is going to help you have a baby and make you a happier and healthier person. I don’t know what I can do to help you see that. It is the same with the safety seeking behaviours, you need to realise that stopping doing those will help in the long run. But they both feel like such huge tasks that it is easier for you to just not do them and try and carry on with the way things are. It is easier to look for other things to do, or to sit in front of the telly stuffing your face than it is to get up and do the things that are going to help you. I know that you feel stuck where you are. Stuck without a baby. Stuck being fat. Stuck in living in a flat for the rest of your life instead of having a nice house with a garden. Just stuck in general. I know your husband feels the same way to. Everything that you want is out of your reach.
You need to realise that you don’t have to eat like food is going out of fashion. Just because you have decided that you aren’t going to diet on one day, it doesn’t mean you have to eat everything in sight. It isn’t the last time you are going to eat it! You also need to realise when you are really hungry and when you are just craving something nice. You need to learn when you are full up as binge eating is just making you fat and ill.
Just keep focusing on those reasons why you want to lose weight and why eating those yummy looking things are just not worth it in the long run. You’ve got this. We’ve got this.
Love, your internal thin girl xx