Sabotage!

Everything is finally working out for me. I have a beautiful home that I own (at last), I am happy in my job after a stressful 6 months of losing one I loved and going to one I hate before moving to my current one, and my husband and I are happy and ready to take the next step in our family so now it is time for me to sabotage everything and get all OCD.

I am coming off my medication so my husband and I can have a baby but obviously that means an increase in anxiety. I was on 20mg and have gone down to 10mg with little problem. Except for this Saturday, that is! I went back to the town where I had worked at that awful job that I just mentioned. It was the first time I have been back there since I left that terrible place. My anxiety went sky high and I turned back into the person who rudely wouldn’t shake the hand of the waiter at the restaurant. I don’t know why I wouldn’t shake his hand. I mean I had my antibac hand gel so could use that like I always do but it just came at the wrong time. IT was straight after we parked up in the town and I hadn’t had a time to relax. Man, I felt so ashamed after. My husband even told me it was rude but when I explained to him after he calmed down a little.

At first I was worried that it was because I was coming off the meds meaning I wouldn’t be able to come off them. I have been given a safer alternative for pregnancy but it still carries risks for any unborn child. I am already taking stomach medication that can have an effect (I can’t stop that as I reflux – in fact I did as I wrote that – ewwww) so really want to be free from this medication. I was given the alternative as I wasn’t sure I could come off the citalopram but it turns out you have to stop that one first before you start the other one so I might as well try and live without any. So as you can imagine I was extremely worried that I might have to take something after all. But looking back I am sure it was due to my anxiety of being in that town.

I am going on holiday next week and my husband and I are going to start TTC. I am still on 10mg of citalopram but I get slight withdrawal symptoms and I don’t want that whilst I am on holiday. After we get back I am going to drop to 5mg every day, get used to that and then go to the terrible 0mg every day. I might even then work on the stomach meds. I am sure I won’t get a BFP straight away so that will give me time to get off the meds!