What is holding me back?

I’m lacking faith in myself. That’s the issue. I don’t believe I can live without doing those safety seeking behaviours. I don’t believe I can cope with the anxiety and uncomfortable feelings. I don’t believe I can lose weight and get fit. I don’t believe I will ever have a baby as I don’t believe I will fall pregnant. I don’t believe I know what I’m doing at work. This is not thriving like I should be. I don’t know why I can’t get over this last bit. I guess it’s because every time I try to stop the safety seeking behaviours I feel so uncomfortable that I quite straight away or I don’t even get as far as not washing my hands etc. What is holding me back? Laziness?

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Laziness – is there such a thing?

I once read an article that says there is no such thing as laziness. If you come across as lazy, there is usually a reason why you are avoiding something. I have been known for most of my life as having an excuse for everything, but what deep down is the reason why I don’t do the things that I know are best for me?

Pretty much anything that takes me out of my comfort zone makes me procrastinate and find thousands of reasons as to why I can’t do it. This never affects me at work, (where I thrive on a challenge) but when it comes to doing something that will make my life better (such as exercise!), I just shy away from it. If I don’t get instant rewards and gratification then I will avoid doing the task required, or at least not carry on if I ever manage to actually get started. Take losing weight for instance, I have a really good week and only lose 2lb. For me, I struggle to see that as a good thing because my stomach is still larger than I want it to be or my trousers are still too tight. So instead of getting the fight in me to carry on, I take the flight option and run away from the task. Whilst I know there is a reward in the long run, if at the time the reward seems low and there appears to be a low risk to my life if I don’t do it, then I simply won’t do it. I struggle to see the reward as it is far in the future and it’s a difficult challenge so I just don’t do it. At work I get the satisfaction of having completed something difficult and, at my current job, the gratification of my boss and my colleagues. But the only person who would be grateful if I lost weight is myself. The only person who loses out if I don’t, is me. Same with challenging the black and white thinking and working through the avoidance and safety seeking behaviour list. I am the only one who will benefit and I don’t praise myself for doing the little things. (side thought – perhaps I should allow myself a reward like a spa day or something once I achieve a certain weight or a certain number of things off the list?).

Perfectionism is a big part of it too. I don’t want to purposely make myself feel uncomfortable. I want to feel perfect all the time, in fact my anxiety disorder and my life has been about making sure I feel perfect. I know in the long run it will make my life better but from this side of things, it all just seems difficult and scary. Doing these things I am not very good at means risking failing. They are a huge task to me and so why would I risk doing something that could make me fail when I could do something else instead? But then I am not being perfect by not doing it which makes me miserable!

There are some tasks that I (and everyone else) just don’t want to do. Things like cleaning the toilet or doing the washing up. But you do it because otherwise it just won’t get done. But when you have someone around who will do those things if you don’t, (in my case my husband), then you are never going to do them! I tell my husband this all the time. If I have done some cooking or something and haven’t done the washing up straight away, I will get round to doing it as there is no way I am going to leave it there. But he gets impatient and so huffs and then does it for me. I know he thinks he is helping but he is also the person who gets annoyed that I don’t do it and calls me lazy. I am never going to be the type who gets up and does chores straight away but I will do it if I have to!

The final reason that contributes to my ‘laziness’ is just being so damn tired. Everyone has every day struggles that make them tired but add to that the constant battle to try and control everything and you have a sleeping machine! My husband says I am lazy because I struggle to get up in the morning. But honestly I am in such a deep sleep that I don’t hear alarms and it takes me nearly an hour to wake up! It’s not because I am lazy, it is because I am so tired all the time (even when I go to bed early), that when I am finally asleep, it’s hard to wake me.

What are your thoughts on laziness? I think it is a term used to describe a lot of other things going on that make you give up the fight. I’m not trying to make excuses for the fact that I don’t do those things, I just know that if I treat the real issue rather than the symptom (being lazy) I will get better. I think labeling myself as lazy is also very external. Understanding the reasons I make myself lazy and doing something about them, is very internal.