Not having a good time at the moment

The shakes keep getting me. I’m not sure if I am cold of just depressed but I keep shaking. Is it where I tried coming off the citalopram? I just keep getting a shaking feeling in my chest and it makes my whole body shiver like I am freezing cold but I’m not. Well maybe a little bit cold but not freezing.

So last week I thought it was because I was pregnant but then it became very obvious on Friday morning that I wasn’t. I woke up at 3am to the worst stomach pains I have ever had so my husband took me down A&E. They said it could be endometrioses and to go to the GP. But the GP said he thinks it is just because my periods are returning to normal after coming off the pill in June. Anyway that was a very traumatizing experience and has left me feeling really off.

Saturday I stayed in bed all morning. Both me and my husband were extremely tired after the previous day (driving your loved one to the hospital at 4am will do that. He has told me since he thought I was dying) so we actually both slept in. But I felt extremely sorry for myself. He was due to go to town with his friend but said he wouldn’t go if I wanted him to stay. Part of me wanted him to stay but the other part was quite happy to lay at home in self-pity. So I told him to go and see his friend. My mum and sister were coming round to see me anyway. Turns out they didn’t come round till an hour before he came home so had a could few hours to sit at home and wallow in it. All I did was sleep. If you are asleep you can escape the horrible reality. Sleeping makes you forget how terrible you feel. So I slept. I did feel better after seeing my Mum and sister and I even managed to go to the supermarket to buy some dinner and even ate something! This was an achievement for me. Since I saw the little girl be sick on holiday back in July I haven’t really been myself. I didn’t realise I had got bad till this weekend. I had started getting nervous about eating in front of people again and even found myself eating a sandwich in the car by the side of the road just so no one would see me. This only began about two weeks ago when I got really bad nausea and I was convinced I was pregnant. I think convinced myself that I would get morning sickness from everything that other people got it from and banned food. I should not have been looking on the internet to read other people’s stories with it, that was my downfall.

The same thing happened with travel sickness. After the little girl was sick on the us I looked up what causes travel sickness and read that it is when your ear disagrees with your eyes. So you ears are aware that you are moving but if you are looking at something other than the moving horizon, your eyes don’t think you are moving. This tells your brain that you have been poisoned and makes you sick. I also read that the legs need to agree as well so it is best to keep your legs moving when on transport etc. This caused me to need to do this whenever I was on a train etc. Suddenly I get travel sick even though I never had before. The first incident was on the train back from a hot and stuffy London. I had been looking at my phone playing a game on the way home which I have done loads of times before. I felt strange (probably because it was hot and stuffy) and suddenly decided that I was going to be sick. I had to get out of that train as soon I could but there was still 45 minutes to go. I could get off at the next train station (East Croydon) and wait for a bit but it would only prolong the agony. Fortunately my hubby works near Gatwick (which was the next stop after that) so I convinced him to pick me up there meaning I only had to cope with only 25 minutes.

Next it happened when I was travelling in my sister’s car back from Brighton. I was in the front seat of the car and needed to look up something on my phone to see what I was going to have for dinner on the slimming world diet. I struggled to find what I wanted so was using my phone for longer than I would of liked. I don’t know if this actually made me feel queasy, whether it was her driving or whether I convinced myself I did. I didn’t feel ok until I got home. In fact, that’s not true. I felt rough the next day and two days later came down with a nausea bug so maybe it was that. Or stress?

The final incident happened a week ago on Saturday after I had the nausea bug at work the Tuesday before. I was going to see my Nan and Grandad and was in the front seat of my Mum’s car. I had a pesto pasta salad in the car (as I had been afraid to eat) and then had a mint. Suddenly I felt something pushing up my throat. Obviously I thought it was sick but it was most likely a burp (the reason they give you mints after a dinner is because they make you burp!). Especially as I hadn’t been eating properly for days which gives me wind. But then it turned into a full blown panic attack. Had both my sisters joking that it must mean I was pregnant so I was more convinced I was. This led to me not eating hardly anything for the next week at work and just getting worse and worse. I was getting stressed that my period wasn’t starting and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be pregnant or not. I want a baby but not sure I could cope with the nausea. So it was stressing me out even more not knowing! That is why it scared me so much when I was in pain on Friday morning as I still hadn’t come on and was convinced something was very wrong. Turns out it was just period pain for one reason or another but it still scared me.

So yesterday (Sunday) was a disaster. I couldn’t snap out of the depressive mood and was just crying and crying. My husband didn’t know what to do with me and I didn’t know what to do either. Eventually he managed to get me to get showered and dressed and we went to see his mum and dad then my family. I did start to feel better but still delicate. We went for a walk after dinner and I got wind cramps in my tummy. Nothing new for me but suddenly I was afraid of them. That is what had been making me feel sick at work, wind, not anything else. I feel it pushing up my throat and I worry that it is something else. But I am normally used to it so why is it suddenly making me panic and shake.

I feel it today but I am telling myself that is all it is. I even feel a burning in my nose which I often get with it but not letting it panic me. I know it’s just indigestion. Maybe it is because I have started taking the citalopram again. I slowly came off it and got down to taking only 5mg twice a week. But I went from 5mg every day to 5mg twice a week too quickly and I am sure that is what caused this episode. I do feel better now I can feel it getting into my blood stream. I did have the shakes when I began writing this but somehow writing it has made me feel better. I can feel this knot in the pit of my stomach and my chest feels tight. I know I am carrying around loads of emotion and I was quite surprised I wasn’t crying my eyes out at work earlier. But I know I need to go through the motions and eventually it won’t feel like going through the motions anymore.

I do really need to think about what I want though. Although everyone is nice in this job I am not sure it is for me really. There isn’t enough to do (it’s not just me saying that) and the whole reason I left the receptionist job was because there wasn’t enough to do. Yes I get paid more to have nothing to do here but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. I would prefer to be really busy so I don’t have time to think about things. Oh I have also finished my degree along the way so don’t have that to think about either. So now the question is, do I look for another job in admin that is likely to be busier, do I stay here and sit and wait for the projects to come about before I change (both could mean holding off having a baby), or do I just accept this job and be grateful that I will want a quiet job when I am pregnant/have a baby. Or would I? The more I type this the more I realise that no, I don’t want a quiet job whilst I do that. Especially one that means I have to go to London once a fortnight to sit and do nothing there. No, I thing I do need to change jobs before having a baby, it is just a question of whether I wait here a bit longer and then move or move now so we can start trying sooner.