Trying to conceive!

Trying to conceive (TTC) is an emets nightmare. Or at least a recovering emets nightmare. Not because of the fear that I might get morning sickness. It surprises me but since completing Thrive that doesn’t faze me that much. Today I felt a bit sick and I just told myself to get on with things and I did. Just like a non-emet would. Not it isn’t the feeling but that is the nightmare but the fact that you can’t control anything about it! Not when it happens, not what gender your baby will be, not what effects your hormones are going to have on you. Nothing!

Suddenly I feel like my body is being controlled by my hormones. Yes this is true but I mean like I have no control over anything! My face is covered in spots and it feels like I can’t do anything about it. Obviously I could if I wanted to. I could take the contraceptive pill which would clear my skin right up but I have chosen to come off it so I can have a baby. But that hasn’t happened yet and it has been nine months so far! Yet something else that I can’t control. My husband and I can only do so much (if you know what I mean!) and even that doesn’t guarantee anything. There is something stupid like a 25% chance each month and it decreases with age. I will be 31 soon! I just fail to see how this month or the next will be any different from the nine that have already gone before. What will make those different? I get that it is all down to being in the right time at the right place and the boys and girl growing into a baby but with all the talk about luck and mumbo jumbo of homeopathy around, it is easy to feel down about it without that blanket. I can feel my internal locus of control wavering as I try to understand why it hasn’t happened yet and how I can ‘make’ it happen this month. Once again I searching for a way to control the uncontrollable. Sound familiar? That is exactly what Emet is all about. Trying to control every aspect of your life because the one thing you really want can’t be controlled. I am trying to protect myself from failure and stress by doing everything I can to avoid that which only makes me more stressed which in turn doesn’t help me get pregnant! With an external locus of control and a high desire for control you feel the need to control every single aspect of your life as you try to get control of things that you believe you can’t. I hope that makes sense! Take for example germs on a door handle. My black and white thinking tells me there is definitely germs on the door handle to the library because the public use it. They will all be bad germs and will definitely transfer to my hand when I touch it and I will get sick. I can tell myself that some of the germs on the door handle may be good bacteria but that won’t make me believe it. I can tell myself that there may not be any bad bacteria on the door handle but that won’t make me believe it. I can tell myself that those germs may not transfer to my hand but I won’t believe it. I can tell myself that even if those germs are there and do transfer to my hand, it doesn’t mean I won’t get sick but it still won’t make me believe it. That is black and white thinking and is a particularly bad way of thinking when you have a strong desire for control.

When it comes to trying for a baby I just think that I would have been pregnant by now if I was going to be. There is nothing I can do to change the outcome. The positive mental attitude isn’t there and I struggle to remember that having that will have an impact on whether or not we do conceive. Everyone tells you that it is when you stop thinking about it and relax that it happens and I 100% believe that. If I could just tell my desire for control this and it would make life a lot easier! Lol

Anyway that is a quick rant about trying to conceive when you are an emet or recovering emet. Or a control freak as I have been calling myself! Maybe that isn’t the right terms as freak has many bad connotations to it. I need to think of another term. I wouldn’t call myself an emet anymore as this isn’t about being sick and never was. I wouldn’t say I have OCD either really as the not touching the door handle is all about control. I guess it doesn’t need a label (again another Emet trait, trying to tie everything up in a nice little bow!), but I must stop using the word freak!

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Chance, luck or fortune

As part of the Thrive programme there are 30 locus of control questions that show you if you have an internal or external locus of control. You then need to work through the ones that were external and turn them into internal responses. One of the questions involves the belief in luck or fortune.

For me it seemed obvious that some people were lucky and others were not. Surely it had to be luck that meant you would win the lottery or bad luck if you got into an accident? But that was just my human nature trying to explain something that couldn’t be explained. You see luck and fortune are just man-made concepts. We have a need to explain why something happened (this is particularly true of Emets). Everything has to fit nicely in a little box , something can’t simply just happen. But, things just have to go one way or the other. You will either win the lottery or you won’t; you will either fall down the stairs and break your ankle or you won’t. There is no supernatural reason behind it. This is what chance is but you could also think about it in term of probability or odds.  What are the odds that you would fall down the stairs? If you really looked at it there would be many factors affecting the odds but in simple terms, there is a 50% chance that you will fall down the stairs. In other words, you will either fall down or you won’t!

Another way of looking at luck is that it’s something we create for ourselves. ‘Luck is preparation meets opportunity.’ If you believe that you are lucky then you are more likely to go out looking for opportunities that would make you seem lucky. For example, if you believed that you were going to win competitions because you were lucky, then you are going to actively enter competitions believing your ‘luck’ will make you win. But all this is doing is increasing the chances that you will win. If you believe that you are never going to win anything, you won’t enter the competitions. This will mean you won’t win and that will reinforce the idea that you are unlucky.

Your belief in whether you are lucky or not can also affect other people’s reactions to you. So if you believed that you were lucky and would get any job that you had an interview for, you will come across as confident and this will give the interviewer confidence in you. But if you believe that you are unlucky and would need a miracle to get the job then you will come across as confident, you won’t get the job and that will reinforce your idea that you are unlucky.

So, to answer the Thrive question, ‘do I believe in Luck?’  The answer would be no. It is just a matter of how you perceive chance and how you process what happens to you in your life.