Isn’t life confusing?!

Isn’t like confusing?! I am just coming out of a period in my life where I have been in limbo. My job has been shifting from the small town in Surrey to having to work in London and that is not something I want to do. It has been good for challenging my emet but not good for spending time with my family and trying for a baby (both stress and being too tired when I get home!). I like stability. I like to know where I stand in life and what is likely to happen next. I am risk adverse. I want answers to everything in life. I need a reason why. Now this is a typical thought pattern of someone with anxiety. My main issue is not being able to predict things and not being able to accept that some things are grey, not black and white!

Just recently I was offered a new job that would mean I wouldn’t need to commute to London. I was so excited and accepted it as soon as I could. However, my body decided to play tricks on me and I was six days late for my period! My husband and I have been trying for a baby for a year but decided when I was offered the job that, providing I was pregnant that time, I would take the job and we would have a break until I have at least passed my probation. So naturally, I got stressed about needing to come on and so it was late. Bring on days and days of knicker checker and peeing on sticks! It wasn’t until I decided that I would take the job either way and just deal with not having statutory pay that I came on. Anyway, I digress. My point is I spent the whole time looking for the answer and getting stressed that I wasn’t getting one, which was only holding the answer off even more!

Why do I do this to myself?

 

Why do I do this to myself?! Why

Trying to conceive!

Trying to conceive (TTC) is an emets nightmare. Or at least a recovering emets nightmare. Not because of the fear that I might get morning sickness. It surprises me but since completing Thrive that doesn’t faze me that much. Today I felt a bit sick and I just told myself to get on with things and I did. Just like a non-emet would. Not it isn’t the feeling but that is the nightmare but the fact that you can’t control anything about it! Not when it happens, not what gender your baby will be, not what effects your hormones are going to have on you. Nothing!

Suddenly I feel like my body is being controlled by my hormones. Yes this is true but I mean like I have no control over anything! My face is covered in spots and it feels like I can’t do anything about it. Obviously I could if I wanted to. I could take the contraceptive pill which would clear my skin right up but I have chosen to come off it so I can have a baby. But that hasn’t happened yet and it has been nine months so far! Yet something else that I can’t control. My husband and I can only do so much (if you know what I mean!) and even that doesn’t guarantee anything. There is something stupid like a 25% chance each month and it decreases with age. I will be 31 soon! I just fail to see how this month or the next will be any different from the nine that have already gone before. What will make those different? I get that it is all down to being in the right time at the right place and the boys and girl growing into a baby but with all the talk about luck and mumbo jumbo of homeopathy around, it is easy to feel down about it without that blanket. I can feel my internal locus of control wavering as I try to understand why it hasn’t happened yet and how I can ‘make’ it happen this month. Once again I searching for a way to control the uncontrollable. Sound familiar? That is exactly what Emet is all about. Trying to control every aspect of your life because the one thing you really want can’t be controlled. I am trying to protect myself from failure and stress by doing everything I can to avoid that which only makes me more stressed which in turn doesn’t help me get pregnant! With an external locus of control and a high desire for control you feel the need to control every single aspect of your life as you try to get control of things that you believe you can’t. I hope that makes sense! Take for example germs on a door handle. My black and white thinking tells me there is definitely germs on the door handle to the library because the public use it. They will all be bad germs and will definitely transfer to my hand when I touch it and I will get sick. I can tell myself that some of the germs on the door handle may be good bacteria but that won’t make me believe it. I can tell myself that there may not be any bad bacteria on the door handle but that won’t make me believe it. I can tell myself that those germs may not transfer to my hand but I won’t believe it. I can tell myself that even if those germs are there and do transfer to my hand, it doesn’t mean I won’t get sick but it still won’t make me believe it. That is black and white thinking and is a particularly bad way of thinking when you have a strong desire for control.

When it comes to trying for a baby I just think that I would have been pregnant by now if I was going to be. There is nothing I can do to change the outcome. The positive mental attitude isn’t there and I struggle to remember that having that will have an impact on whether or not we do conceive. Everyone tells you that it is when you stop thinking about it and relax that it happens and I 100% believe that. If I could just tell my desire for control this and it would make life a lot easier! Lol

Anyway that is a quick rant about trying to conceive when you are an emet or recovering emet. Or a control freak as I have been calling myself! Maybe that isn’t the right terms as freak has many bad connotations to it. I need to think of another term. I wouldn’t call myself an emet anymore as this isn’t about being sick and never was. I wouldn’t say I have OCD either really as the not touching the door handle is all about control. I guess it doesn’t need a label (again another Emet trait, trying to tie everything up in a nice little bow!), but I must stop using the word freak!

To have a baby or not to have a baby, that is the question

I posted this blog entry three months ago but I accidentally added it as a page and not a post! So this was from March not June!

Hubby and I had an argument last night. The same one we always have which is about having babies. We both want one (him more than I do) but my Emet just gets in the way.

I am sure this is a common theme amongst Emetophobes as they don’t want to go through pregnancy (I think something like 99% of emet sufferers are female) or worry that they won’t be able to handle the child being sick.

Last year my hubby and I decided it was time to have a baby. My emet was in a good place, it felt under control and we were both ready. But it went really wrong. My emet went crazy and I ended up having a nervous breakdown.

My sister is now having a baby and we met my cousins baby at the weekend and I think it made my husband broody (it did me a little). We had an argument about him meeting up with one of his female friends as I got all insecure saying he will go off with them as I can’t give him what he wants. This is what started the argument.

Anyway, I am now in a position where I really want a child but I can’t even handle the nausea I get from my IBS or the nausea I get from my period whilst I am on the pill. What am I going to do when I come off it? How am I going to cope my the nausea my hormones will cause? I know they will as they did last time. I have finally settled on the pill but I so badly want a baby and can’t be on that then!

I’ve got to do Thrive again and try and Thrive. I need to come to terms with the issues outstanding such as my desire for control, my disgust propensity, and my inability to tolerate uncomfortable feelings.

Not having a good time at the moment

The shakes keep getting me. I’m not sure if I am cold of just depressed but I keep shaking. Is it where I tried coming off the citalopram? I just keep getting a shaking feeling in my chest and it makes my whole body shiver like I am freezing cold but I’m not. Well maybe a little bit cold but not freezing.

So last week I thought it was because I was pregnant but then it became very obvious on Friday morning that I wasn’t. I woke up at 3am to the worst stomach pains I have ever had so my husband took me down A&E. They said it could be endometrioses and to go to the GP. But the GP said he thinks it is just because my periods are returning to normal after coming off the pill in June. Anyway that was a very traumatizing experience and has left me feeling really off.

Saturday I stayed in bed all morning. Both me and my husband were extremely tired after the previous day (driving your loved one to the hospital at 4am will do that. He has told me since he thought I was dying) so we actually both slept in. But I felt extremely sorry for myself. He was due to go to town with his friend but said he wouldn’t go if I wanted him to stay. Part of me wanted him to stay but the other part was quite happy to lay at home in self-pity. So I told him to go and see his friend. My mum and sister were coming round to see me anyway. Turns out they didn’t come round till an hour before he came home so had a could few hours to sit at home and wallow in it. All I did was sleep. If you are asleep you can escape the horrible reality. Sleeping makes you forget how terrible you feel. So I slept. I did feel better after seeing my Mum and sister and I even managed to go to the supermarket to buy some dinner and even ate something! This was an achievement for me. Since I saw the little girl be sick on holiday back in July I haven’t really been myself. I didn’t realise I had got bad till this weekend. I had started getting nervous about eating in front of people again and even found myself eating a sandwich in the car by the side of the road just so no one would see me. This only began about two weeks ago when I got really bad nausea and I was convinced I was pregnant. I think convinced myself that I would get morning sickness from everything that other people got it from and banned food. I should not have been looking on the internet to read other people’s stories with it, that was my downfall.

The same thing happened with travel sickness. After the little girl was sick on the us I looked up what causes travel sickness and read that it is when your ear disagrees with your eyes. So you ears are aware that you are moving but if you are looking at something other than the moving horizon, your eyes don’t think you are moving. This tells your brain that you have been poisoned and makes you sick. I also read that the legs need to agree as well so it is best to keep your legs moving when on transport etc. This caused me to need to do this whenever I was on a train etc. Suddenly I get travel sick even though I never had before. The first incident was on the train back from a hot and stuffy London. I had been looking at my phone playing a game on the way home which I have done loads of times before. I felt strange (probably because it was hot and stuffy) and suddenly decided that I was going to be sick. I had to get out of that train as soon I could but there was still 45 minutes to go. I could get off at the next train station (East Croydon) and wait for a bit but it would only prolong the agony. Fortunately my hubby works near Gatwick (which was the next stop after that) so I convinced him to pick me up there meaning I only had to cope with only 25 minutes.

Next it happened when I was travelling in my sister’s car back from Brighton. I was in the front seat of the car and needed to look up something on my phone to see what I was going to have for dinner on the slimming world diet. I struggled to find what I wanted so was using my phone for longer than I would of liked. I don’t know if this actually made me feel queasy, whether it was her driving or whether I convinced myself I did. I didn’t feel ok until I got home. In fact, that’s not true. I felt rough the next day and two days later came down with a nausea bug so maybe it was that. Or stress?

The final incident happened a week ago on Saturday after I had the nausea bug at work the Tuesday before. I was going to see my Nan and Grandad and was in the front seat of my Mum’s car. I had a pesto pasta salad in the car (as I had been afraid to eat) and then had a mint. Suddenly I felt something pushing up my throat. Obviously I thought it was sick but it was most likely a burp (the reason they give you mints after a dinner is because they make you burp!). Especially as I hadn’t been eating properly for days which gives me wind. But then it turned into a full blown panic attack. Had both my sisters joking that it must mean I was pregnant so I was more convinced I was. This led to me not eating hardly anything for the next week at work and just getting worse and worse. I was getting stressed that my period wasn’t starting and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be pregnant or not. I want a baby but not sure I could cope with the nausea. So it was stressing me out even more not knowing! That is why it scared me so much when I was in pain on Friday morning as I still hadn’t come on and was convinced something was very wrong. Turns out it was just period pain for one reason or another but it still scared me.

So yesterday (Sunday) was a disaster. I couldn’t snap out of the depressive mood and was just crying and crying. My husband didn’t know what to do with me and I didn’t know what to do either. Eventually he managed to get me to get showered and dressed and we went to see his mum and dad then my family. I did start to feel better but still delicate. We went for a walk after dinner and I got wind cramps in my tummy. Nothing new for me but suddenly I was afraid of them. That is what had been making me feel sick at work, wind, not anything else. I feel it pushing up my throat and I worry that it is something else. But I am normally used to it so why is it suddenly making me panic and shake.

I feel it today but I am telling myself that is all it is. I even feel a burning in my nose which I often get with it but not letting it panic me. I know it’s just indigestion. Maybe it is because I have started taking the citalopram again. I slowly came off it and got down to taking only 5mg twice a week. But I went from 5mg every day to 5mg twice a week too quickly and I am sure that is what caused this episode. I do feel better now I can feel it getting into my blood stream. I did have the shakes when I began writing this but somehow writing it has made me feel better. I can feel this knot in the pit of my stomach and my chest feels tight. I know I am carrying around loads of emotion and I was quite surprised I wasn’t crying my eyes out at work earlier. But I know I need to go through the motions and eventually it won’t feel like going through the motions anymore.

I do really need to think about what I want though. Although everyone is nice in this job I am not sure it is for me really. There isn’t enough to do (it’s not just me saying that) and the whole reason I left the receptionist job was because there wasn’t enough to do. Yes I get paid more to have nothing to do here but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. I would prefer to be really busy so I don’t have time to think about things. Oh I have also finished my degree along the way so don’t have that to think about either. So now the question is, do I look for another job in admin that is likely to be busier, do I stay here and sit and wait for the projects to come about before I change (both could mean holding off having a baby), or do I just accept this job and be grateful that I will want a quiet job when I am pregnant/have a baby. Or would I? The more I type this the more I realise that no, I don’t want a quiet job whilst I do that. Especially one that means I have to go to London once a fortnight to sit and do nothing there. No, I thing I do need to change jobs before having a baby, it is just a question of whether I wait here a bit longer and then move or move now so we can start trying sooner.