That familiar feeling

Right now I am having that familiar feeling from a few years ago when I just don’t feel comfortable during the day and can’t concentrate. It has crossed my mind (only briefly) that I am going to end up going down the same road as 2014 but I am thriving now and I won’t. I don’t feel like doing anything because I want to go on holiday! I want it to be holiday time right now, not in a few weeks time!

The other thing is that by the time I left my last job I knew what I could get away with. I knew that I could have a quick look on the internet if I needed to or go and talk to one of my friends. Well this is only my third week and I don’t really have that rapport with anyone here yet. I am having a laugh with them now and again but no one I can call a friend yet.

I actually have to do some work here as well! In my last job I probably spent at least an hour in total talking to people. Well at the very end I did!

I am going to thrive this time. I will settle in and get along with people quickly as I am a nice person. I will process this internally and will not let any social anxiety get in my way.

It’s not just the worry about whether the people will like me as a person, but also whether they think I am suitable for the job like I sold myself in the interview. My old boss used to tell me that I should be more confident in making decisions and just do them without having to ask all the time. Well yesterday I came up against a situation where I asked one of my new bosses a question that I should really have made the decision myself and I even pulled her out of a meeting to do so. I sent a message apologising saying that as it is only my third week I wasn’t sure if they want me to make decisions or not and didn’t know the protocol but it was obviously on my mind going by the dream I had last night. It was my old boss from my previous company calling my into a probation meeting and telling me that they feel I am not right for the job because I am not confident to make decisions, I am not performing how they want me to be, and I am not proving I can do what I said I could in my interview or what I did at my previous job. She said to me that I have to step up as she recommended me for the job (not true in real life) and I am making her look bad! To which I started writing down all the reasons I haven’t been able to get things done yet to try to prove myself. After that it went into some other weird dream but it is obviously playing on my mind. I have a six month probation here and I need to prove that they made the right choice in hiring me. Instead I appear to be catastrophising in my sleep about what could happen and ruminating over something small that happened in my third week on the job. I know I can do this job with my eyes closed so why am I letting myself think I am not good enough. Why am I even worrying that they will think that? I know I can do it and I should have faith in myself!

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