To have a baby or not to have a baby, that is the question

I posted this blog entry three months ago but I accidentally added it as a page and not a post! So this was from March not June!

Hubby and I had an argument last night. The same one we always have which is about having babies. We both want one (him more than I do) but my Emet just gets in the way.

I am sure this is a common theme amongst Emetophobes as they don’t want to go through pregnancy (I think something like 99% of emet sufferers are female) or worry that they won’t be able to handle the child being sick.

Last year my hubby and I decided it was time to have a baby. My emet was in a good place, it felt under control and we were both ready. But it went really wrong. My emet went crazy and I ended up having a nervous breakdown.

My sister is now having a baby and we met my cousins baby at the weekend and I think it made my husband broody (it did me a little). We had an argument about him meeting up with one of his female friends as I got all insecure saying he will go off with them as I can’t give him what he wants. This is what started the argument.

Anyway, I am now in a position where I really want a child but I can’t even handle the nausea I get from my IBS or the nausea I get from my period whilst I am on the pill. What am I going to do when I come off it? How am I going to cope my the nausea my hormones will cause? I know they will as they did last time. I have finally settled on the pill but I so badly want a baby and can’t be on that then!

I’ve got to do Thrive again and try and Thrive. I need to come to terms with the issues outstanding such as my desire for control, my disgust propensity, and my inability to tolerate uncomfortable feelings.

Finally an answer!

So after 10 long years I have finally found out what is causing my stomach problems and it is not anxiety as I have been told my numerous doctors!

10 years ago I started feeling really sick every time I ate and had a really sore throat. At the time I tested positive for Glandular Fever (Mono) so they put it down to that. I was given pantoprazole to stop the production of stomach acid but it didn’t really help. I suffered like this for months and was finally given an endoscopy 6 months later. They couldn’t find anything wrong with me at the time and told me it was just my anxiety (like they always do!). In the meantime I meant by now husband and got on with life despite feeling sick all the time.

In 2008 it came back with a vengeance and I was really ill. I lost a so called best friend because of this as she could put up with me being ill all the time. Fortunately my now hubby put up with me! I went back for more tests in 2009 but failed two endoscopies. The first one I opted to not have the sedation (like I did the first time) but I was too scared and knew what was coming so I didn’t do it. The second time I had the sedation but apparently I kept moving the camera away from my mouth so the doctor stopped it for my safety. I eventually had a barium swallow which showed I had reflux and was told to take strong anti acid medications (which I was already on and didn’t really help) and that it was all caused by anxiety! This enraged me! I knew that anxiety made it worse but I also knew that it wasn’t caused by anxiety. I know my own body more than anyone else and I knew that I wasn’t making myself this sick. Now it is true that emets do make themselves feel sick a lot as part of the phobia but I knew this was something different. Mainly because it wasn’t always nausea that I was feeling, sometimes it was just like my food wouldn’t go down.

I wasn’t satisfied by this diagnosis so I asked for a second opinion. Unfortunately by this time I had changed jobs and no longer had my private medical cover so I needed to be seen on the NHS. I saw the gastro doc quite quickly and he wanted to do another endoscopy and colonoscopy (I have IBS). But I said I refused to do it unless I was under a general anesthetic. Because of this I ended up waiting another six months and didn’t have the tests until early 2010. Bare in mind that the symptoms started at the end of 2008 then you can see that this was a long time. By the time I had the tests my symptoms had died down a little and I wasn’t as bad. That meant that he didn’t find anything. Unfortunately I missed my follow up appointment but he just told the GP to keep me on the anti acid medication and that was that. So I was just told to live with the acid reflux and get on with my life!

I got bad again in 2012 but my GP refused to send me to a specialist again as I had seen them twice before and they had never found anything. I had just got married at the time and they told me it was probably down to anxiety (there’s that word again) and put me on stronger anti anxiety medication and again told me to get on with life! This happened again at the end of 2014! I was so ill then that I spent in total about a month off work. But again I was told it was my anxieties and was prescribed many different anti-anxiety medications. I kept telling them that this was real but they refused to believe me.

I left it for several months and then went back to the GP at the end of May to give them an update on my mental health (Thrive has nearly cured me) and asked some general advice about women’s things! I did this so they knew that I was no longer in a bad place mentally and they commented about how good I looked!

Then last week my hubby and I went to see the GP about my stomach. I told them that I was hungry all the time and that the acid really bothers me. He gave me advice on what to eat (yeah like that will help. This was gnawing hunger pains not real hunger) and said the acid was probably just something wrong with the way my body worked and to just ignore it. I was furious! I have been ignoring it for 10 years and it doesn’t make it go away. I can’t eat normally ever and I can’t remember the last time that my stomach felt ok!

My hubby and I talked and decided that I should just contact a private gastro doc which I did at the end of last week. I managed to get an appointment really quickly with one and saw him on Monday. He felt my stomach and said he wanted to do another endoscopy and colonoscopy (oh joy!). I had these yesterday. He came to see me when I was in recovery so I am questioning whether I actually heard him correctly but he told me everything looked normal apart from a small hiatus hernia. I spoke to the recovery nurse and she said that most people over 60 tend to have hernias there and that they only affect you if you are getting acid reflux. I felt relieved that there was actually a physical reason I am getting these symptoms but also a bit scared that there was actually something wrong with me.

I don’t get to see the specialist again until 2 weeks time but I have looked up a hiatus hernia and it certainly fits what is wrong with me. But my main question was how could they have been missed by all those other tests when I have had the same symptoms for 10 years? My Mum suggested that maybe I just had acid reflux before and that having that caused the hernia but according to all the literature that is on the internet (including the NHS site and Mayo Clinic) is is a hernia that causes reflux not the other way round. On those pages it talks about two types of hernia but the main one is called a sliding hernia that isn’t always there. Sometimes the stomach slides back under the diaphragm when there is less pressure on the stomach. So my only thought it perhaps this had happened when I had my tests before which would tie into the fact that my symptoms  weren’t as bad at that point. But obviously I don’t know if that is the case and I will ask the specialist when I see him in two weeks but I really do feel hard-done-by here y the GPs and other specialist for telling me for ages that I was creating these symptoms with my anxiety when I knew there was something physically wrong with me! I guess I will wait and see for when I talk to the specialist. The next question is, how so I get it fixed?….

P.S. Just had another thought. A hernia can be caused by excess pressure on your stomach from being overweight (I have been in the past and was in 2014), wearing tight clothing (my trousers are really tight when I get bloated), straining to use the loo (I do all the time and my reflux is worse after I go) and any other pressure to the stomach. I wonder if my emet trait of stopping myself being sick (which I did just after I got married in 2012 – before the previous flare up) actually put the pressure on my stomach and caused the hernia to go out again?