Out of my comfort zone

I’ve been comfortable in my job for three years now and was putting up with going to London but it became to much when I found out I would have to go to London five days a week in the near future. I knew I needed to change jobs but was thinking I would probably start looking in six months to a year as I knew they wouldn’t close my office until at least the autumn 2018 (although my job was already based in London really). The perfect opportunity came up so I took it. 
I started yesterday and everyone seems really nice so far. But of course my stomach is playing up as I am out of my comfort zone and I can feel my social anxiety showing its ugly head. But I am going to process this in an internal way. I decided to make the move to make my home life better so I wasn’t spending all my time on a train home from London. I am going to make this job my own and make this my new comfort zone. I can also handle the nervous stomach and feeling out of sorts for a while because I can cope I will be myself and I will thrive. I can cope with the acid reflux. 

On another note, I have also let myself touch door handles and cold taps in the kitchen without washing or antibac’ing my hands after. I am not going to let the monster scare me!

I gave my niece a kiss!

So you are thinking, what’s the big deal? All you did was give your niece a kiss. But what if I told you that for the past week she has been throwing up in the mornings for no reason? Again, you might say what’s the big deal but for me it was. It didn’t cross my mind that she has been being sick. I didn’t worry about catching something. I just let her give me a kiss (which to a one year old is basically just putting her open mouth on my face!). 

I’ll admit that the thought that she had been sick crossed my mind after but I just dismissed it like someone else would and thought, ‘well if it get it, I get it. I’ll cope.’  That was such a big deal to me!

A letter to my teenage self

Dear Jen

The first thing I should say to you is don’t worry. Worrying really isn’t worth it and I promise you everything is going to be ok.

I know you are having a hard time at the moment dealing with the anxieties of growing up and being in the real world but you will find your place. You don’t need to worry about getting sick and you don’t have to try and control everything around you. Some things can’t be controlled and that is just part of life. You will be able to cope when those things happen. Believe in yourself. Trust your own judgement. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about you. You don’t need them to say that you are a good person to know it. You don’t need their approval to be who you want to be. Stop pretending to be someone else and be yourself.

There is no use attempting to be perfect. No one is perfect and it is an impossible task. You don’t need to spend hours on your hair, hours in the bathroom or hours writing a letter. Just do what makes you happy.

The people you think are your friends right now are not your friends. I know you get along with them now but when you start being your true self you will realise that they aren’t the sort of people you want to associate with. Your parents gave you your two best friends, your wonderful sisters. You may argue now but when you are older you will realise that they are two of the most important people in your life and will be there through thick and thin. Don’t argue with your parents. They are doing everything they can for you and you can tell them anything. Trust them.

Don’t worry about being alone. When you are 20 you will meet the sweetest guy ever and will go on to marry him and want his children. He will become your partner, your best friend and the person you trust most in the world. All those other boys are just frogs. Enjoy your time with them but know that the best is yet to come.

Don’t let your anxieties stop you from doing what you want. I am 30 and regret that I have missed out on things as I have been too afraid to do them. I was afraid to go to university  or out clubbing as I didn’t want to be near people being drunk and therefore sick. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have let the silly worry get in my way. You will be able to cope with anything that is thrown your way just like I know now that I will be able to cope with having children. Whilst I am on that subject, you should admit to yourself that you do want children. Don’t let the worry of them being sick stop you from admitting that.

Stand up for yourself. Don’t let people push you around. You are strong willed but spend your whole life wanting to please other people. Sometimes you have to be selfish. You are the most important person in your life. If you don’t look after yourself, then you will be the one to suffer. Speak up. Let your thoughts be heard.

So remember, stop worrying, love yourself, trust yourself and be yourself.

With lots of love

30 year old me x

My experience of the 96 hour Bravo PH test

After ten years of not really knowing what was wrong with me, I finally got a diagnosis that I have a hiatus hernia and that is most likely what causes my acid reflux. I was referred to a surgeon who said that I clearly have reflux so I don’t need to do the PH testing, I just needed a barium swallow to make sure I would be able to cope with the surgery. Annoyingly, when I had the barium swallow, I had no reflux whatsoever (typical!) so he decided that I did actually need the PH study.
I am on day three of my four day test right now and it hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be.
Seven days before my test was to begin I had to come off my esomeprazole but was allowed to take ranitidine up until two days before. So I took my last nexium pill on the Wednesday morning before knowing that I couldn’t take it again until Sunday 7th February when the test would be over. I took the ranitidine and at first I thought that I was obviously ok but I didn’t seem to have very bad heartburn at all (or at least no worse than I did when I was on the pills) so I figured maybe I was wrong all this time. But on the infamous day five of being cold turkey off PPIs it all caught up with me. I felt sick as dog and my stomach was basically on fire. But I drank Almond milk and kept telling myself it was just for a week and then I would have some answers that may help me for the rest of my life.
My last Ranitidine tablet was on the Sunday night. I was anxious about not taking it but I just drank as much Gaviscon and took as many rennie as I needed. But the worst day was the Tuesday. You have to stop all OTC antacids and Gaviscon 24 hours before the test. I was going in on the Wednesday at 1pm so I figured I had until 1pm on the Tuesday to take Gaviscon etc. I was suffering quite bad that morning with acid as I wasn’t on medication so I gulped the gaviscon down. At lunch time I took the bottle of Gaviscon down to the lunch room with me, knowing that I wouldn’t be back upstairs until after 1pm and drank Gaviscon as my pudding! (Fortunately I have very understanding colleagues!). I struggled through the rest of the day having almond milk to sooth the burn and just kept telling myself it would be over soon.
On the Wednesday morning I was nervous but my stomach wasn’t burning that badly. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink for six hours before the procedure so 7am was the last time I could eat. I decided not to have anything to eat as I find sometimes you are more hungry when you have a little something than if you don’t have anything at all. I did have some water and almond milk at 7am though. I found I wasn’t that hungry through the morning and I didn’t really suffer with reflux which was all good!
When I got to the hospital and was taken to a cubicle there were three of us who seemed really nervous. One lady said she had a bad gag reflex, I told them how I have had two failed endoscopies in the past and the third lady was just crying her eyes out (I have no idea if she went ahead with it or not). I was told that I would have three endoscopies (eek!) to fit the capsule. The first would be to make sure my oesophagus was ok to have it implanted, the second was to implant it and the third was to make sure it was in place. Fortunately I was asleep the whole time so I don’t remember any of it!! 🙂 But I was anxious when I was taken into the room to have it done. First of all they couldn’t find a vein to put the needle in for the thing they put the sedation fluid in (I don’t know what that is called). They tried both my elbows and both my hands! In my right hand he moved the needle round under the skin and  I have a huge bruise on my hand where it was done. Eventually it went in my left hand and I was told to lay down on the bed. They got my legs in the right position and then put a mouth guard in and tied it round the back of my head. This is when the panic kicked in. I suddenly couldn’t breathe and the nurse was really kind and helpful. Before I knew it there was something that washed over me and I fell asleep. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in the recovery room and was really groggy. They gave me some water and when I was clearly more awake they let me go through to another room to sit in a reclining chair and have a sandwich. It felt nice to be eating but it was hard to eat as I could feel the capsule tugging on my oesophagus. I also had a sore throat from where the camera had been put down as they didn’t use the throat numbing spray. My husband came in to get me and we got the train home. I wasn’t as sleepy as I thought I would be (after past experiences of having sedation for endoscopies) so we had a quiet night in then went to bed at the normal time. I still found eating a little difficult due to the tugging but I hardly experienced any symptoms.
The little device you are given has five buttons on it. Three of them are for symptoms, one you have to press if you are eating and drinking and the other you have to press if you are laying down. The symptom buttons are marked as being heartburn, chest pain and regurgitation but they gave me the option of changing the meaning behind them. Mine were nausea, heartburn and regurgitation (as sadly I do that a lot!). Every time you experience a symptom you have to press the corresponding button. What they didn’t explain as that the device also shows the PH level of your oesophagus. It was quite interesting to see it going up and down when I was refluxing and when I was having food that neutralised it. But, as I always do, I became a little obsessed with it. I noticed that my reading was quite a high PH which means that the area was alkaline. I was told but fellow sufferers online that it probably meant it had slipped and was in my intestines as the oesophagus never had a PH above 7. Well my highest was 9.6. I began to worry that it had been a failure and I would need to do it again. This morning was day two (seeing as the day starts at lunch time for this test) and I had to go back to the hospital to have the data downloaded and the battery of the device recharged. I was told to take my medication with me and that I may be told I could take it from today (I was hoping so much that they would say I could). When I was in the waiting room they took the device off me and charged it. They later told me that I refluxed whilst I was in there so they must have been able to see what was going on. I asked them about the high PH levels and he said it was in place when I first got there and that the levels wouldn’t be going low at all if it was in my intestines. They told me I could take my Nexium (I was so excited) and then checked the device was synced up to me again and I was allowed to go, but had to come back on Monday to give the device back. Whilst I was in the waiting room I was able to speak to the lady who went after me and some other people who were on their second day of the test. One of them had the surgery done three years ago but it had come loose and was having to have it done again. She said the three years after the surgery were the best years of her life but she was unable to be sick and unable to burp. My surgeon promises me that if I do have the surgery he won’t do it tight enough to stop me being able to burp (especially as I get a lot of trapped wind with my IBS). It was so good to speak to people going through the same thing. Especially when the lady who had the surgery previously told me she had got depressed and suicidal as it was so bad for her and she couldn’t concentrate on anything but the symptoms as they were so bad. I told her that I was glad she said that and my husband had heard it as I often struggle to focus on anything else and it has caused some serious bouts of depression!
I am about to go to bed on day three and it is interesting what my medication has done already. I am refluxing but it clearly isn’t acid as it isn’t burning as much. Mind you, my PH level is still around 8 so maybe it has slipped?! I guess I will see when I get the results. I am told that if you have a fast system it can fall off quickly. Sometimes my system is really fast and other times it is really slow! I have eaten a fair amount of chocolate tonight which has caused a lump in my throat and reflux but they aren’t registering as acid. The real test would be to eat the same things I did on day one/two that caused me issues on day three/four and see if the medication stops the acid. The main thing was a Cadbury’s Cream Egg! That had me in so much pain from the burning and I woke up in the middle of the night feeling sick. I am going to eat one tomorrow and see what happens!
I will end this here but not post it until the test has been finished and I can write about the second two days below.
I handed back the bravo recording device yesterday and I can say this experience was nowhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be.
On Saturday and Sunday my reflux episodes continued but they had a PH somewhere between 7.5 and 9.6 which means they were alkaline. The two days before it was going down as low at 1.5 so that was most definitely acid. I ended up having a stinking cold (which I am still recovering from) and I do wonder if that may have made the results slightly different as I spent a lot of time in bed and not eating as much as I normally would but I wrote that on the sheet to show I had been ill (you have to score if you have been able to have your normal days or not). I find my reflux is worse when I am up and about rather than laying down as I am eating. I am fine when I haven’t been eating! I spent the whole time worrying about why the PH was so high as I thought the device may have slipped but it hadn’t. It tugged when I swallowed (it was a bit painful) and now it has stopped so I know it has now fallen off). I also worried because the device said LI on it and I couldn’t find anything online to say what that meant but I guess I will wait and see.
 
The machine is meant to turn off automatically after 96 hours but mine didn’t! It was still going into day 5 and so I had to continue wearing it as it screamed when it wasn’t near me! (ok beeped but I like to call it screaming!). That meant I had to wear it to the office yesterday which was awkward as when I forgot to put it on when I went to the loo, it beeped and everyone wondered what on earth it was!
I had to wait a long time at the hospital as the computer was having trouble downloading someone else’s data. In the end it still wasn’t working so they took our machines and said they would copy us in on the report. They did tell me that because I had acid the first two days and was told to take my medication, it means that I have a definitive diagnosis of GORD (GERD) which is what I was told I had ten years ago. Although I haven’t heard this from the surgeon so I don’t want to accept that till I have it in writing. I will then find out if I am eligible for the surgery or not. I still reflux when I am on my medication and it still makes me uncomfortable so surely that means I am? I guess I need to stop worrying about it until I have spoken to the surgeon but it is hard not to. But that is another matter.
 
All in all I think it was worth having the Bravo test. It seems it has proved I have the condition it was suggested ten years ago that I have and there are probably options to fix it permanently. The debate now is whether to have children first or not?!

Inspirational songs

Just wanted to share these songs that are my motivational songs at the moment:

I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sunshine’ day
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sunshine’ day
Oh yes, I can make it now the pain is gone
All the bad feelings have disappeared.
Here is the rainbow I’ve been praying for
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sunshine’ day
Look all around, there’s nothing but blue skies,
Look straight ahead, there’s nothing but blue skies.

This is the song that went through my head after I upped my citalopram to 30mg. My GP told me it would clear the fog for me so I could see clearly and get on my with CBT (or in  my case Thrive). Therefore when that happened (or began to happen) I found myself singing this song.

The next song is one that just happened to come on when I was driving to work. I found that gave me the lift I needed to go out there, face my fears and Thrive. I still need it of course!! The second verse particularly speaks to me!

I used to think that I could not go on
And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I’m leaning on the everlasting arms

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there’s nothing to it

[Chorus:]

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me, oh

If I can see it, then I can be it
If I just believe it, there’s nothing to it

[Chorus}

Hey, cause I believe in me, oh

If I can see it, then I can do it (I can do it)
If I just believe it, there’s nothing to it

[Chorus}

Hey, if I just spread my wings
I can fly
I can fly
I can fly, hey
If I just spread my wings
I can fly-eye-eye-eye
Hum, fly-eye-eye

Mini miracle today

So I have been discharged from my CBT for my OCD as I have done really well. I have got rid of over 50% of my compulsion list and I am learning that I can live with anxiety. There are still a lot of things to work through but even my therapist admitted at the end of my sessions that when she saw the long list she never thought I would be able to get rid of any of them! I think a lot of them were just habits and no longer had anxiety attached to them. Some I have found myself slipping back into but I am going to do my best to make sure that I don’t make that a permanent thing.

I feel a lot more free now but I have to be careful that I don’t let it get a hold of me again. My plan is to continue to work through the list at home and remind myself how far I have come. After around 6 months my therapist said to go back to my GP and asked to be referred again for my low self-esteem. By then I will also know how I am getting on with my OCD therapy.

So about the mini miracle! Today I walked past sick on the pavement and I didn’t overreact too much. I did my compulsion to clean my airways but I think I remained calm. I only did it once and got my husband to check my shoes and kind of positioned one of them over a patch of nearly dry water on the ground. So to most people this will sound like an overreaction but it wasn’t for me. Before it would have been complete meltdown for me. I did put my clothes in the wash but I had planned to do that anyway. Now the task is to put my shoes back on tomorrow and try not to be bothered by the thought that they are contaminated with sick. It’s not me, it’s my OCD!

Heightened sense of responsibility

I’ve always thought my OCD was about fear of contamination from germs so I don’t get ill. But I’ve finally got to the bottom of my OCD and realise that it’s actually a way for me to keep the big scary world in control and put of my save haven of a home. My cousin (my mums sister’s son) died of cot death when I was four. Less than a month later my little sister was born and obviously there was a lot of anxiety in my family. My sister was very protected in case it happened to her. As a four year old I didn’t really understand what was happening. Just that people could die. I think I then took on the heightened sense of responsibility that I had to protect my parents and sisters from dying. That is when the OCD started really. Plus mum remembers that’s when I stopped being the cuddly little girl. If I don’t let myself show how much I care about someone then it avoids me getting hurt and it protects them. I’ve been tasked with challenging this belief. It was easy for me the challenge the belief that if I will get ill if I do or don’t do something. But how can I challenge the belief that if I don’t do something, my family will die. What if I’m challenging it an it turns out to be true and one of them dies? I’ve also got to start thinking through the actual horrible thought and starting facing that it could happen rather than running away from it. I’ve never got this far into my OCD before and feel I’m making progress but its going to be hard to learn to live with emotions and anxiety.