Poem for my Dad

Today I found out that my dad has a tumour on his pituitary gland. It’s benign but he is going to have to have an operation to remove it or it could cause him to go blind. I’m scared for him but also feel very sad as they now can’t go on their holiday in 6 weeks as he might not have had the surgery by then. When he told me and my sisters I just sat there quietly. Didn’t cry or anything whilst my sisters asked questions. I wanted to show emotions but I just shut down when these sorts of things happen. I just want to be left in my own world. I hugged him and text him after apologising for being quiet etc and he said he knows how I react to things and knows I love him. But I wish I could show my emotions. That is what has caused my OCD in the first place. I used OCD as a way of showing them. So as soon as I got home this poem came into my head. I thought I’d share it. It’s my first draft so needs work!!

I don’t know how to show emotions
But I really do care
It might look like I’m hard as hell
But they really are there

I show them in a different way, see
I hide them from your view
They cause me to do strange things
I’d rather not do

Contaminated is how I feel
Covered from head to toe
To scrub away the world for me
It’s harder than you know

I’m not one to kiss and cuddle
It’s what I cannot do
You will never see me crying
At least not in front of you

Instead, my hands, I scrub and scrub
Until they’re red and raw
My eyes, they flick, from side to side
A tick, hope no one saw

But trust me when I tell you this
You’re my dad, I love you so
I’ll be more open, I’ll try my best
My love for you, I’ll try to show

Mini miracle today

So I have been discharged from my CBT for my OCD as I have done really well. I have got rid of over 50% of my compulsion list and I am learning that I can live with anxiety. There are still a lot of things to work through but even my therapist admitted at the end of my sessions that when she saw the long list she never thought I would be able to get rid of any of them! I think a lot of them were just habits and no longer had anxiety attached to them. Some I have found myself slipping back into but I am going to do my best to make sure that I don’t make that a permanent thing.

I feel a lot more free now but I have to be careful that I don’t let it get a hold of me again. My plan is to continue to work through the list at home and remind myself how far I have come. After around 6 months my therapist said to go back to my GP and asked to be referred again for my low self-esteem. By then I will also know how I am getting on with my OCD therapy.

So about the mini miracle! Today I walked past sick on the pavement and I didn’t overreact too much. I did my compulsion to clean my airways but I think I remained calm. I only did it once and got my husband to check my shoes and kind of positioned one of them over a patch of nearly dry water on the ground. So to most people this will sound like an overreaction but it wasn’t for me. Before it would have been complete meltdown for me. I did put my clothes in the wash but I had planned to do that anyway. Now the task is to put my shoes back on tomorrow and try not to be bothered by the thought that they are contaminated with sick. It’s not me, it’s my OCD!